How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
