Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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