I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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