Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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