I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
