Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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