Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
