and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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