I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
