pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
