On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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