the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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