Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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