At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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