Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
