chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
