just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
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trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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