Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
