Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
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Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
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You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.