My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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