Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
