No stitches, just platelets and will power
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My liver just had a heart attack.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
