Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
