Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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