I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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