the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
