My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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