Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
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It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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