I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
