Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut