I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
