i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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