you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
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I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
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After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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