i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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