we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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