i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
