you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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