I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
