My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
