When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
