highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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