im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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