You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
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who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
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And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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