I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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