she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
