fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
