We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
