this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
