The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
