There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
