Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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