Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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