Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
