Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
