I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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