this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
